TGIF! This week was crazy, to say the least.
Last Saturday, I attended my best friend’s sister’s wedding reception. A few months ago, I wasn’t planning on going. It was my weekend with the kids and for some reason, I had just felt like staying home. Well, fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I decided, why not? I dropped the kids off at my brother’s house for the night, got dressed up, and had a blast.
I knew that same night XAH would be attending a friend’s birthday party at a bar, which is why the kids were staying with my brother.
Sunday afternoon, I was home with the kids and my cell phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, but I decided to answer it anyways. I was shocked to hear an automated voice on the other line, telling me it was a collect call from an inmate at the county jail…yep, it was XAH.
At this point, I was frantically trying to find my credit card amidst my kids fighting and my daughter crying. Once the call was connected, XAH was on the other end and told me he had gotten pulled over for DUI the night before. This was his 2nd DUI in less than 2 years. He asked me to login to his work email and let his boss know that he wouldn’t be available the next day. He also told me that “I was right” and that he “needs help and has a problem.” I agreed to email his boss for him, mostly because I do not want him to lose his job and my child support.
He called back later that evening and we discussed a bit more what happened. He then proceeded to ask me if I would ever considering reconciling. Huh? I suppose the reason he thought it was appropriate to ask was because he had admitted to me that he had a problem. (Mind you, he’s told me he’s had a problem multiple times before). My response was that I couldn’t discuss that right then.
It turns out, he tried going the wrong way on a freeway ramp, attempted to turn around, then got his car stuck in a ditch. An off-duty police officer was driving by and stopped to check on him. Then she called the state patrol.
I had done some reading on the penalties for a 2nd DUI in less than 7 years and the minimum jail time is 45 days, plus another 30 for violating his probation. I also believe he will have to have the interlock device back on his car for 5 years because he already had to have it on for one year.
The next day, I ended up connecting withe bail bonds person for him and he got out of jail around 7:45 pm. Because his car is still registered in my name, I had to take him to pick it up on Tuesday.
He ended up hiring an attorney that I share an office with to represent him for his DUI. He had his arraignment on Wednesday and was ordered to wear a SCRAM device (which can detect alcohol in his system through his skin) and also get the interlock device back on his car.
The first couple of days after it happened, I was thrown back into the chaos. I was worried about what I would do if he had to be in jail for 45 days…how would I take care of the kids on my own and still successfully run my business? And as much as I tried not to think about it, I couldn’t help but think about his remark about reconciling. Would I love for us to be a family again? Yes. Financially, it would be wonderful. My kids wouldn’t have to be shuffled back and forth to his little apartment.
But then again, there’s just been sooo much bad stuff in our relationship. Although I hope he does find recovery, I honestly don’t have high hopes. After he was out of jail, we talked a few times and he seemed a bit cavalier about his “problem.” Stating very matter-of-factly that he just needs to stop drinking. It also bothered me that he said his mistake the night of the DUI was that he didn’t take an Uber. No, the mistake was that he shouldn’t have drank 10 beers! (His BAC was .22).
One option he has for avoiding jail time and not having a 2nd DUI on his record is called a deferred prosecution. Basically, he admits he has a problem and enters an intensive 2-year treatment program. During this time, he is subject to random tests for alcohol and any other mind-altering substances (this would include marijuana). After the 2 years, his treatment ends, but he still has to stay clean for 3 more years. If he does all that and doesn’t get into trouble, then the charges will be dismissed after 5 years.
I posted on Sober Recovery about this and I’m thankful for the good feedback I get. Most people reminded me to believe actions and that oftentimes, people can be good when they’re being monitored, but then it’s right back to drinking. Another alcoholic remarked that when he was in jail, he was desperate and willing to say anything.
I attended an Al-Anon meeting and decided to get back to some reading. I was pretty exhausted from it all, but finally, last night I slept great and I felt really good today.
I’m sticking to my side of the street this time. I won’t be telling him what he should do or even asking him, for that matter. People on SR remarked that I should keep my distance so I’m not his only resource and I think that’s a good idea. And as they say…more shall be revealed.