learning to let go

Near the end of yesterday’s work day, I was feeling pretty good. I was able to be productive in the afternoon at work and then stopped by the store to grab some tomatoes (AH and I were planning on making tacos.) He ended up going to a meeting, so it was just me with the kids, which was fine. I was thankful that DS (5 years) didn’t throw any tantrums and seemed to actually be listening to me. He’s been throwing tantrums at school and seems to be very emotional, which is worrying me a little bit. I talked to him again about daddy moving out into his own place in a few weeks. DS doesn’t seem to really understand it yet, which I think is good. I told him that daddy is still going to be around a lot and that no matter what, we both love him.

AH and I actually watched part of the Downton Abbey finale together, chatting and making small talk. It’s all just a bit strange. AH smoked pot and offered me some. I declined. Even though I used to smoke with him, I decided it’s probably not very kosher to do so when I’ve told him I think he has a problem with it.

At one point, we were talking about our dog and AH mentioned that if I ever go out of town, he could probably smuggle the dog into his apartment and he would keep her. I then said that if I went out of town, he would probably just stay at the house with the kids and then he said, “in 3 or 4 years?”

I don’t know why, but that statement got to me a bit. Even though everyday I can recall things he has done that I am thankful to get away from, I guess that piece of me still remains hoping that we can reconcile at some point. But I know the chances of that happening are very low. I think too much has happened now for me to ever be able to trust him or truly forgive him and not be resentful towards him. And when he mentioned being apart in 3 or 4 years, well, I guess it’s just not something I have thought about. I know I need to be able to let go of our relationship as it is now and avoid future tripping.

I really like this quote about recovery and try to remind myself of it anytime I start to future trip.

Recovery is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.

I will say, however, that I have been sleeping pretty good. For awhile, I was having issues where I would wake up at 3am. But the last few nights, I’ve been able to sleep until AH comes in to shower (around 5:30).

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