my higher power

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I’ve never been a religious person. Growing up, we never went to church or focused on religion. I remember attending some church-type events in college and I thought it was so strange when people were singing gospel music, with their hands held up high in the air and eyes closed.

When The Secret became popular, I read the book and it really seemed to make sense to me…there is a rhyme and reason to why things happen. Everything isn’t by chance. And you really can attract things into your life.

Of course, once I started attending Al-Anon, I heard about putting so much faith into my “higher power.” I honestly never thought much about a higher power. I certainly didn’t have faith in it during all those times I was crying and feeling lonely after one of AH’s drinking episodes.

Well, some recent events have reminded me that there really is a higher power.

Let’s start off with AH’s DUI. He got arrested at the end of January. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before or not, but after he got pulled over, the sheriff called me, asking if I could pick him up. Essentially, the sheriff said he didn’t want to take have to take him into jail. I knew enough at this point that it wasn’t my job to pick him up or rescue him. So, off he went to jail…refusing all field sobriety tests AND all breathalyzers. His night ended at the hospital, where had his blood drawn.

Well, last week, all of a sudden we started getting letters from attorneys advertising their DUI services. I told AH because it seemed weird how they just started coming in all of a sudden. AH’s license still has our old address on it, so who knows if he would get his papers. Well, he checked with his attorney and found out he had been charged on March 26th and was due in court this past Tuesday for his arraignment.

Using my lawyer research skills, I found the complaint online. I was mostly interested to see what his BAC was, since his blood had been drawn nearly 4 hours after he last drank. It turns out it was .15 (about double the legal limit) AND he was over the limit for THC, as well. (AH swears he didn’t smoke marijuana that night, but the test results don’t lie.)

I guess I now feel some type of vindication. I know I probably shouldn’t be feeling that way, but I do. AH cannot say that he’s “not out there getting DUIs.” He now has someone else to answer to about his drinking. I don’t have to be by his side, worrying about what’s going to happen to him or how embarrassed I’m going to be if someone sees he has an interlock device on his car.

I know in Al-Anon they say that by rescuing the alcoholic, we are interfering with our Higher Power’s ability to change things for the better. Well, on this night, I have to believe my Higher Power took over. AH’s tail light had been busted out in the parking lot and that’s the reason he initially got pulled over. Just by chance? I’ve never had a tail light of mine busted out…and in fact, I don’t think AH has before either. And if I had picked AH up? Wow, it’s crazy to think how different things would be today. I didn’t interfere and my Higher Power was there for me.

Now, I do feel a little silly because my husband getting a DUI really doesn’t benefit me directly. Maybe I’m still holding on to the thought that he is on his way to rock bottom so he will really get into recovery? But then again, what difference does it make if he gets into recovery now? Even if he were to truly commit, I don’t think I’ll ever want to be with him again. In fact, if he were to fully recover and get better now, it would almost be a slap in the face to me. Okay, get good and recovered now that I’ve wasted the last 13 years of my life with you.

Anyways, I do truly believe there’s a Higher Power out there that’s looking out for me. I just need to stay true to my own path of recovery and trust him or her to lead me to a happier life.

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