what’s really killing me

I’ve started watching some great TED talks and thought I’d share some of them here. This one by Anita Moorjani is pretty great. She talks about her miraculous recovery from cancer and the epiphany she had when she was very near death. I love her quote near the end, when she says she thought that cancer was killing her, but really she was killing herself. I’ve changed the word “cancer” to “marriage” and I’ve come up with this quote, that really applies to my life.

I thought my marriage was killing me, but actually, I was killing myself before I got divorced. The divorce saved my life. In the end you will always find that your challenges are a gift. And if you’re in a challenge and it doesn’t feel like a gift yet, it means you haven’t gotten to the end yet.

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moving on

It’s obviously been awhile since I last posted. I’ve gone back and forth as to whether I wanted to keep blogging here, but I’m going to try to stick with it. I think it will be a great place for me to look back on as I continue on my journey of recovery.

AH officially moved out about a week ago. Even though I have been ready for him to leave for awhile, when he actually shut the door behind him, tears started streaming down my face. I guess this is just the next step and him moving out seemed to make this all more real.

Things really haven’t been that much different since he moved out. The 2 months prior to him moving, we had kind of come up with a schedule where he would pick the kids up on specific days and I on others. We’re basically trying to keep with that now. Since he just got a small one-bedroom apartment, he’s been bringing the kids back to the house on the days he picks them up from school, and hanging out with them there. For now, that works for me, as I’d rather the kids lives not be disrupted too much.

I realize that now that even when we were living together, it’s not like we were always doing things as a family or anything. The thing I notice now is that I am doing 100% of the chores, but it almost doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal because now I actually have more energy, so when I get home, it’s not a problem for me to make the kids dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, etc. There have been a couple times this week when I have felt resentment towards AH, however, because I feel like it’s not fair that I have to be doing all of this on my own. However, I know it was my choice to keep the house, so I can’t really blame him.

Mother’s Day started out a bit sad for me and I’m not really sure why. In the past, AH has never been one for surprises or planning anything special. He would usually just pick up some flowers, so it’s not like this year’s Mother’s Day was really that much different. AH picked the kids up and took them over to his apartment for the day, which was nice. I was able to get some things done around the house. Then he picked up food from our favorite chinese place on the way back and we all ate together as a family, so it ended up being a pretty good day.

I have no idea if AH is drinking or not. He got the ignition interlock device on his car, which he has to have for a year because of his refusing the breathalyzer when he got arrested for DUI. He got the results from his blood draw back and his BAC was .15. His blood was drawn probably 3-4 hours after he had his last drink and he was still almost double the legal limit. I can’t even imagine what his BAC was when he was driving. Because of the high level, he is going to have to accept the DUI charge (no pleading it down to reckless driving.) I would think now that he has one on his record, he will be extra careful about not driving drunk again.

Even though he’s probably not drinking, I do still have concerns about how he is around the kids. For one, I think he’s addicted to his phone. Literally, he can’t just be sitting on the couch being…he has to be looking at something on his phone. My therapist said it’s just another way for him to escape reality. It bothers me that he’s on his phone when he should be paying attention to the kids. Secondly, he lacks patience and gets irritated easily, which isn’t ideal when you’re dealing with a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. I know there’s not much I can do except make sure that I am conscious of how I treat the kids.

Anyways, that’s just a little update. I’ll be updating a bit more regularly from now on!