Just a long post

Oh my goodness. My blogging intentions fail again. I’m currently reading Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott. In it, she discusses how journaling is an essential part of healing, so it’s reminded me to come back here and write.

I feel like that last month has brought the most change to me personally since my relationship with my STBXAH began. It’s definitely been an eventful month.

About a month ago (I think right after the last time I wrote) I was bored one afternoon at work and decided to check out match.com, just because I was curious about what type of guys were really out there. (Of course, I know I’m nowhere near ready to date, so believe me, my profile is entirely empty.) Well, much to my surprise, I see that STBXAH has a profile on there. It’s all set up with photos and lists that he’s a “social drinker” and that he loves anywhere with “live music and cold beer.” I then texted my best friend about this and she informed me that she also came across him on Bumble recently, so I guess he’s making his rounds on the dating apps already.

I honestly can say that I’m not jealous about it at all. The thought of him with another woman really doesn’t bother me. I will say that I was surprised since previously he had said he had NO interest in women or having a relationship for a long, long time.

Well, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I have been checking his profile every so often, just to see how long it’s been since he logged in. The other night, I noticed he was online around 11PM. Well, tonight, I see that his profile is gone. I’m not sure if he actually took it down or blocked me somehow, but it’s not there.

The second incident…2 weeks ago, the kids stayed at STBXAH’s. He picked them up from school on Friday and they stayed over Saturday night. Well, Sunday, I notice that next to the bag he brought back with their clothes in it, is a receipt. I pick up the receipt and notice it’s from the grocery store from Friday evening. Not surprisingly, beer is listed on it. So, I ask my 5-year-old if daddy was drinking beer around him and he said, “No, he was drinking Rock Star.” I then ask, “Out of a can?” He replies, “No out of a bottle, but not a baby bottle.” So, I then show him different beer bottles on my phone and he points to the bottle of Bud Light as the bottle that daddy was drinking out of.

Well, the deal was that STBXAH’s wouldn’t be drinking around the kids. I guess somehow I believed him? I text STBXAH and ask him and denies drinking. I ask if he bought beer and he denies it. I call him out for lying and he still denies it. He texts me that I’m unstable. Anyways, long story short, I tell him I want him to do SoberLink to prove to me he’s not drinking when the kids are with him.

Well, Monday comes and he picks the kids up from school and I get home and want to talk to him about things and he runs to his car, shuts the door and refuses to open it or talk to me. I hate how I feel when he tries to make me out like I’m this crazy person. But I guess the truth is, he does make me crazy and this whole disease cycle makes me crazy.

Anyways, the next couple of days are pretty stressful. Finally, on Wednesday, we talk and he tells me he’s met with 3 lawyers who have all told him that a court would never order SoberLink. He tells me he hasn’t been able to sleep or eat the last couple days and wants to come to a compromise. So, we’re finally able to compromise on a shorter period of SoberLink monitoring than I had originally wanted.

The following Sunday was Father’s Day. We had planned for STBXAH to come over and have dinner…he was going to grill steak and I was going to help the kids decorate cupcakes for him. The kids stayed at his place on Saturday night and Sunday, he texts me to say we don’t have to do dinner if I don’t want to. When he shows up with the kids, all he talks about is how he’s sooo tired. He mentions how on Thursday, he went to a work event and had a few drinks, so didn’t sleep good Thursday night and then stayed up too late on Friday night. He really had no interest with playing with the kids and instead, was on his phone the whole time. So frustrating.

In my therapy session yesterday, I told my therapist about the drinking beer with the kids incident. And she said STBXAH subconsciously wants me to catch him drinking so I can shame him, so then he can see me as evil and then feel more validated to drink. She said that is why the receipt was left…of course he didn’t do it consciously, but subconsciously. And she said I fell right into the trap and was in the craziness again. She said as long as keep shaming him for drinking, he doesn’t have to deal with his own guilt and he can blame me.

She’s told me this before, but this time, it really hit home. It made me wonder…do I really want to be monitoring him and his drinking, even when the kids are there? The truth is, no. But then again, I do want to do whatever I can to protect the kids from his drinking. I’m still torn on this one…

Anyways, I’m really starting to feel at peace. I feel a calmness knowing that I am detached from him and he no longer has the ability to hurt me or cause me to worry. I’m really going to try to catch myself and avoid getting drawn into his craziness.

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