changes

change

This week has brought so many changes. Changes that I feel like I’m not ready for.

First off, DS5 started kindergarten this week. His preschool teachers gave him a copy of Oh, The Places You’ll Go and wrote messages inside. Reading them made me emotional. I think the most emotional part of it was not that he was starting kindergarten, but that I’m going through these milestone moments alone. I feel like these should be exciting times for me, but instead, there’s a little gray cloud hanging over everything, reminding me that STBXAH and I are no longer together. I still hold this image in my mind of all of us being a happy family, even though I know that image is an aberration and something that never really existed.

The good news is that DS5 loves kindergarten. But of course, there is now a change to our daily routine. Luckily, his school provides before and after school care, but now I have two drop offs. A new daycare just opened up close to our house and logistically, it would make more sense for DD2 to go there, since it’s so much closer to our house and DS5’s school. It would likely shave 30-60 minutes off our daily car rides.

After visiting the new daycare, I ended up enrolling her. She starts on October 10. This is another change that is going to be very difficult for me. DS5 has attended the same daycare since he was 6 months old and DD2 has attended since she was 3 months. I absolutely love the daycare and all the teachers. Honestly, the daycare is more like a family to me. DD2 loves her teachers. It’s really breaking my heart to have to move her, but I know it will be better for her to not have to be in the car for so long and it will allow us to pick DS5 up earlier from after-school care.

Each time I face the prospect of something changing, it’s as if there’s an attack my “safe place”. My safe place right now is my routine and knowing what is going to happen. I guess I feel this way because there is so much in my life right now that is a question mark.

I’ve also been battling a bit of a head cold this week. In the beginning of the week, my energy levels were so low. I could tell I wasn’t just “tired,” but that my whole body felt exhausted. I’m on the mend now, thankfully.

So, overall, just taking it one day at a time, dealing with these sad moments that seem to come and go and can be triggered by anything. I know it’s all part of the grieving process, but I find myself wondering when I’m going to feel “happy.” Over and over I read stories of divorced people who swear there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I will find happiness again. I’m waiting…

I’m also contemplating the point of this blog. In the beginning, I was dealing with the effects of my husband’s alcoholism and infidelity. Now that I’ve been able to detach and separate from that, I’m focusing more on my experience with divorce. I’m wondering if I should continue referring to him as “Alcoholic Husband” (AH).

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