Oh, the insanity

Back in February, STBXAH took a trip to Thailand by himself. I would have to say this is a bit of a trigger for me. He had formerly been to Thailand when he was in the Navy. He visited there again with a friend, maybe the 2nd year we were dating. Prior to him leaving on his trip, I recall finding that he had been searching the term “blowjob bars” in Thailand. Of course, he had some excuse, like he was “just curious.” Gawd, I was naive.

So, fast forward to his latest trip. Last Friday night, I was at home alone because he had the kids. Around 10:45, he posts a photo on Facebook of him and some Thai girl in a bar in Thailand. The worst part is that the bar appears to be a strip club, with a stage with girls and poles. (The girls were clothed and I don’t think it really was a strip club, but still.) And his photo had some bizarre caption that made no sense.

In that moment, my codependency kicked in and I was embarrassed to even be remotely associated with him. This guy is 38 years old with two young kids and he’s posting photos with some foreign girl in what looks to be a strip club. Seriously?

The next day, the kids and I met up with my sister-in-law and my nieces. My younger niece was dancing in a dance competition. My older niece, who is 20, asked me if I had been on Facebook lately. Of course, I knew what she was referring to. I then found out that not long after his return, STBXAH has posted a screenshot of a private conversation with this same girl. She had said “love you” and he was mocking it, saying how he had to close down the conversation asap. Apparently, he deleted it though, because I never saw it. But my niece had taken a screenshot it.

Again, why would he post something like this on Facebook? He’s also just been obnoxious on Facebook…checking in every time he goes to the gym and reciting some type of rap lyrics. I don’t know if he’s lonely or what.

Oh, funny thing is, he also deleted the photo in the strip club, although it took him longer to do so than I thought.

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moving on

It’s obviously been awhile since I last posted. I’ve gone back and forth as to whether I wanted to keep blogging here, but I’m going to try to stick with it. I think it will be a great place for me to look back on as I continue on my journey of recovery.

AH officially moved out about a week ago. Even though I have been ready for him to leave for awhile, when he actually shut the door behind him, tears started streaming down my face. I guess this is just the next step and him moving out seemed to make this all more real.

Things really haven’t been that much different since he moved out. The 2 months prior to him moving, we had kind of come up with a schedule where he would pick the kids up on specific days and I on others. We’re basically trying to keep with that now. Since he just got a small one-bedroom apartment, he’s been bringing the kids back to the house on the days he picks them up from school, and hanging out with them there. For now, that works for me, as I’d rather the kids lives not be disrupted too much.

I realize that now that even when we were living together, it’s not like we were always doing things as a family or anything. The thing I notice now is that I am doing 100% of the chores, but it almost doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal because now I actually have more energy, so when I get home, it’s not a problem for me to make the kids dinner, wash dishes, do laundry, etc. There have been a couple times this week when I have felt resentment towards AH, however, because I feel like it’s not fair that I have to be doing all of this on my own. However, I know it was my choice to keep the house, so I can’t really blame him.

Mother’s Day started out a bit sad for me and I’m not really sure why. In the past, AH has never been one for surprises or planning anything special. He would usually just pick up some flowers, so it’s not like this year’s Mother’s Day was really that much different. AH picked the kids up and took them over to his apartment for the day, which was nice. I was able to get some things done around the house. Then he picked up food from our favorite chinese place on the way back and we all ate together as a family, so it ended up being a pretty good day.

I have no idea if AH is drinking or not. He got the ignition interlock device on his car, which he has to have for a year because of his refusing the breathalyzer when he got arrested for DUI. He got the results from his blood draw back and his BAC was .15. His blood was drawn probably 3-4 hours after he had his last drink and he was still almost double the legal limit. I can’t even imagine what his BAC was when he was driving. Because of the high level, he is going to have to accept the DUI charge (no pleading it down to reckless driving.) I would think now that he has one on his record, he will be extra careful about not driving drunk again.

Even though he’s probably not drinking, I do still have concerns about how he is around the kids. For one, I think he’s addicted to his phone. Literally, he can’t just be sitting on the couch being…he has to be looking at something on his phone. My therapist said it’s just another way for him to escape reality. It bothers me that he’s on his phone when he should be paying attention to the kids. Secondly, he lacks patience and gets irritated easily, which isn’t ideal when you’re dealing with a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. I know there’s not much I can do except make sure that I am conscious of how I treat the kids.

Anyways, that’s just a little update. I’ll be updating a bit more regularly from now on!

my higher power

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I’ve never been a religious person. Growing up, we never went to church or focused on religion. I remember attending some church-type events in college and I thought it was so strange when people were singing gospel music, with their hands held up high in the air and eyes closed.

When The Secret became popular, I read the book and it really seemed to make sense to me…there is a rhyme and reason to why things happen. Everything isn’t by chance. And you really can attract things into your life.

Of course, once I started attending Al-Anon, I heard about putting so much faith into my “higher power.” I honestly never thought much about a higher power. I certainly didn’t have faith in it during all those times I was crying and feeling lonely after one of AH’s drinking episodes.

Well, some recent events have reminded me that there really is a higher power.

Let’s start off with AH’s DUI. He got arrested at the end of January. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before or not, but after he got pulled over, the sheriff called me, asking if I could pick him up. Essentially, the sheriff said he didn’t want to take have to take him into jail. I knew enough at this point that it wasn’t my job to pick him up or rescue him. So, off he went to jail…refusing all field sobriety tests AND all breathalyzers. His night ended at the hospital, where had his blood drawn.

Well, last week, all of a sudden we started getting letters from attorneys advertising their DUI services. I told AH because it seemed weird how they just started coming in all of a sudden. AH’s license still has our old address on it, so who knows if he would get his papers. Well, he checked with his attorney and found out he had been charged on March 26th and was due in court this past Tuesday for his arraignment.

Using my lawyer research skills, I found the complaint online. I was mostly interested to see what his BAC was, since his blood had been drawn nearly 4 hours after he last drank. It turns out it was .15 (about double the legal limit) AND he was over the limit for THC, as well. (AH swears he didn’t smoke marijuana that night, but the test results don’t lie.)

I guess I now feel some type of vindication. I know I probably shouldn’t be feeling that way, but I do. AH cannot say that he’s “not out there getting DUIs.” He now has someone else to answer to about his drinking. I don’t have to be by his side, worrying about what’s going to happen to him or how embarrassed I’m going to be if someone sees he has an interlock device on his car.

I know in Al-Anon they say that by rescuing the alcoholic, we are interfering with our Higher Power’s ability to change things for the better. Well, on this night, I have to believe my Higher Power took over. AH’s tail light had been busted out in the parking lot and that’s the reason he initially got pulled over. Just by chance? I’ve never had a tail light of mine busted out…and in fact, I don’t think AH has before either. And if I had picked AH up? Wow, it’s crazy to think how different things would be today. I didn’t interfere and my Higher Power was there for me.

Now, I do feel a little silly because my husband getting a DUI really doesn’t benefit me directly. Maybe I’m still holding on to the thought that he is on his way to rock bottom so he will really get into recovery? But then again, what difference does it make if he gets into recovery now? Even if he were to truly commit, I don’t think I’ll ever want to be with him again. In fact, if he were to fully recover and get better now, it would almost be a slap in the face to me. Okay, get good and recovered now that I’ve wasted the last 13 years of my life with you.

Anyways, I do truly believe there’s a Higher Power out there that’s looking out for me. I just need to stay true to my own path of recovery and trust him or her to lead me to a happier life.

the path to acceptance

I haven’t written for a couple of days. Anyways, Friday morning, AH came into the bedroom asking if I had his keys. Of course, I didn’t. He couldn’t find them anywhere. And then he also couldn’t find the spare or valet key. My thinking is that he hid the spare and valet key from me so I couldn’t get into his car. Anyways, after paying locksmith $200 to come unlock his car and then finding that they weren’t in there, he finally found them. He had put them in his backpack. He exclaimed that with all the lack of sleep and stress, he was losing his mind.

We then had a long talk. He had heard me talking on the phone to my brother and I was telling my brother that it was a bit hurtful because AH was acting like he wasn’t upset about us separating…that he was only upset about not being with the kids all the time. AH told me that wasn’t true and to please not tell people that. We then discussed how we are still having the same relationship issues that we had early on, years ago. And even when we got married, he knew deep down it probably wasn’t the right thing to do, but he had hoped we would grow closer. I told him that I was just heartbroken to be losing my best friend. We talked more about how it will be after we separate and he explained that he will still be here for me. In fact, he still plans to come over and mow the lawn, etc.

Of course, I cried and cried. Even though it was overall a good conversation that made me feel a lot better, it’s just a mix of emotions. Sadness for ending our relationship, relief for not having to live with this constant stress and unhappiness, and fear of the unknown. I also told AH that we agree to disagree regarding his drinking issues and we agreed not to bring it up anymore. I had to remind AH about this when he said “I’ve always accepted you as you are.”

Last night, I could tell he was getting agitated by the kids. He decided to go to a meeting. It was a gentle reminder to me of why I can’t be married to him anymore, although he does have many great qualities and I do believe he does truly care for me. As far as his drinking goes, he told me that he’s not drinking now and he will not be drinking around the kids or if he has to drive anywhere.

This morning I woke up feeling TIRED, even though I got a pretty good night’s sleep. I’m trying to remember that my body is using up tons of energy to heal from this trauma and to be gentle with myself. I went to get a haircut then came home and took a little nap. I’m thankful for AH that I could do that. He just left to get groceries and took DD1 with him.

I still haven’t sat down and gone over our finances. I’m hoping to rest up the rest of the day and then hit work tomorrow hard to have a productive week.

update

So, after my last post, I was texting with AH and he told me the credit card charges were not what I was thinking. He said it was an accumulation of purchases. He told me he would email me his bank statement. Then he called and was very matter-of-fact saying that he didn’t have anything to hide and that he was hoping we could handle this all amicably like adults, but now he’s not so sure. I told him I have a right to know what he’s been doing if he expects to be spending time with the kids. I think he also made some mention of this incident is exactly an example of why this marriage can’t work…that he’s a grown man and he can spend his money on what he wants. Me (thinking): “Ah, yes. Thanks for reminding me that you can do what you want without regard for anyone else.” In fact, I was quite aware he felt that way since that’s how he’s been acting our entire relationship. His voice started to tremble and he said how I was trying to take his kids away from him. I just love how the A’s are always the victims. They play that card so well, don’t they?

Anyways, once I saw the yearly statement, I saw that almost all of the charges were from gas stations. Many of them being the exact same price…$4.38, I believe, which is probably the price of a 24 oz. beer. So, while he wasn’t doing what I thought he was with this credit card, instead he was using it to purchase beer behind my back.

I was feeling pretty frustrated because he was playing me out like I was the villain for going through his stuff. And I do know this was super codie behavior, but as we go into the divorce proceedings, I feel I need to protect myself and know exactly what he’s been up to. And lo and behold, I find more evidence of him lying and drinking behind my back. I did text him later to apologize for accusing him (trying to admit my wrongs and make amends, a la Al-Anon.) He said he had a late meeting after work, so he didn’t get home until pretty late. Of course, his demeanor was very cold.

As for me, I had a pretty relaxing evening with the kids. I was happy again because DS5 seemed to be happy and didn’t have any emotional moments. I”m most concerned for him with all of this stuff happening.

I’m going to try to start blogging at night, at the end of the day. I think it’s a good way to unwind and get all of my feelings out. And I’m also going to try to document one thing that I do for just myself each day.

What I did for me today: I washed my face before bed! Seriously, I know this probably sounds horrible, but I have the worst habit of wearing my makeup to bed. It may sound crazy, but something as simple as this is the type of stuff I would neglect due to all the stress of my alcoholic marriage.

 

devastated…again

Not sure why I decided to do it, but I had a sudden feeling of wanting to check AH’s credit report. AH has had a separate credit card for years. Originally, he was supposed to cancel it after I found out about him visiting the massage parlors, but I guess he conveniently forgot.

Anyways, so I log on and pull up his credit report and check the credit card. It pulls up a monthly history of the balance on the card dating back to September 2014. As I look at the balances, I notice that there is a zero balance until February 2015, where there is a $40 balance. That gets paid off and then in May 2015, a $65 balance appears and then the balance goes up slightly each month (as if he didn’t make a payment?) Then in August 2015, the balance is $56, then $104 the next month. Interestingly enough, $65 is the amount that I know one of the prostitutes he has gone to charges for a quick session of oral sex.

I text him about this and he tells me he just used it for snacks, etc. Hmm…what amount of snacks and chew ends up being exactly $65? And if that’s the case, why didn’t he just pay it off?

I’m not sure why I’m surprised. He’s a liar. And an addict – sex addict that is. I guess I just truly wanted to believe him when he said he hadn’t done any of this stuff since I found out about is 3 years ago. I’m just a bit upset now because I felt like I was doing so good and now this feels like a punch to the gut.