lightness

Gosh, look how long it’s been since I posted! And looking back on my most recent post, reminds me how much things have changed in my life.

I lived for years with the burden of an unhappy and unhealthy marriage. This coming February will mark 2 years since I told XAH I wanted a divorce. When your life is a daily struggle, filled with anxiety, resentment, and stress, you live with an incredibly heavy burden. After awhile, you no longer even notice the weight of that burden…it just becomes a natural part of your life. For me, I can pretty much say this burden existed from very early in my relationship…within 3 months. For 13 years of my life, I probably never had a single day where I was able to live care-free.

I’m not really sure where it’s come from, but I would say in the last couple of months, I’ve had a noticeable change in my daily life. The best way for me to describe it is by saying that I now feel “light” on a daily basis. Despite my most recent post, I’m very happy with my co-parenting relationship with XAH. I’ve learned to “live and let go,” which is one of my favorite Al-Anon slogans. Honestly, I have no idea if XAH is still drinking (my assumption is that he is). However, I don’t have any concerns that he drives with the kids in the car, which is my number one fear.

We currently share the kids 50/50. I have the kids for 2 nights, he has the kids for 2 nights, then I have them for 5 nights and he has them for 5 nights. I’m currently in my 5-day stretch without the kids and it’s glorious. I’m not even ashamed of saying I look forward to my time without the kids…not because I don’t want to be around them, but because I have absolutely no help while they’re with me. the days without them are necessary for me to recharge and take care of the other areas of my life that I have no time for when they’re with me.

This lack of stress has helped me start to take the little everyday steps I need to work towards goals I’ve had my entire adulthood, but could never manage to get a start on. I’ve been able to focus better at work and my law practice is flourishing. I’ve also been able to start eating a lot better and working towards dropping 10 pounds. (More on that some other time).

I was recently inspired by this post by Katie. While reading it, all I could think was “yes!!” to all of it. I remember struggling with the “emotional labor” she refers to in my marriage. I remember trying to explain to XAH how I always had one million things going through my mind and he never needed to worry about that. I also know the resentment it created, which only added to the resentment I had against him for his drinking and infidelity. It’s no wonder I was an unhappy mess of a person!

I’m also grateful that I’ve taken the steps she writes about to change the course of my life for the better. My ship had slowly been sinking over the 13-year relationship with my XAH. And countless times, all I did was “rearrange the deck chairs.” Finally, the light clicked and I had the courage to go ahead and sink the entire thing myself.

I no longer live with daily resentment. At the beginning of our separation, I still struggled with resenting my XAH when I found myself alone with the kids and overwhelmed. But over the last year or so, the overwhelm has lessened as I’ve gotten happier and healthier and I really no longer resent XAH or the fact that I am single. In fact, I’ve come to embrace it and accept it.

I still have no desire to date. I’m not really sure why…I think part of me feels like there’s still so much I want to accomplish for myself and right now, my life feels full and light, both at the same time. And I can’t imagine any better feeling.

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