Ahhh! Once again, so much time has gone by since I last wrote. I know I say this every time I write, but this time, I am SERIOUS being more active here. I just feel like I have so much I want to say…
The holiday season is upon us. This will be the first Christmas as a “single mom.” I can’t say it’s all that sad. Most every Christmas I can remember with my husband was stressful for some reason or another…either because he drank too much or because he was a grouchy dry drunk.
DS5 (who will be 6 tomorrow) and I are heading to Puerto Vallarta on Friday. We will be traveling with my brother and sister-in-law and their 4 kids (who range in age from 12 – 20) and another family with 4 kids. I feel like I should be more excited, but honestly, I’ve been extremely stressed out. DS5 has his birthday tomorrow, then we leave for Mexico on Friday and return on the 22nd. The 23rd, neither of the kids has school or daycare, so I’ll be home with them all day, trying to pack up to drive 3 hours to my parents’ house for Christmas. And this is the first real vacation I’ve taken since my law practice has picked up, so the thought of being away for so long and what I will have to catch up on when I get back is terrifying.
And on top of it all, I came down with either the flu or food poisoning the night before last. I feel much better now, but have been battling a headache.
When things get like this, I can feel myself drifting into my “dark place.” My dark place occurs when I get extremely overwhelmed and feel hopeless. Instead of taking things one at a time and just doing them, I procrastinate and spend time doing mindless stuff, like watching tv or browsing social media.
When I met with my therapist yesterday, I told her about this and how I think I really need to cut out the noise to help my feelings of overwhelm. A big part of this is social media. I often feel like there is just way too much stuff being thrown at me. And lately, when I find myself on social media, I end up feeling bad about myself. I see a mom who took her kids sledding and feel guilt because I should be getting the kids out of the house. Or I’ll see a skinny girl and realize how I need to lose 10 pounds. Or I’ll see my so-called best friends out at a holiday party and wonder why they didn’t think to invite me. Then I ask myself “what is the point?”:
Honestly, what is the point of social media? I mean, I know what the point is on an artificial level. The point is to connect and share with others. But really, when I post a photo of my kids, isn’t the point that I want people to “like” it? I want people to see how cute my kids are. I admit, I have posted things before because I wanted to brag. “Oh, look at me, I’m heading on vacation to Mexico!” Then I think about it…how messed up is it that I feel better or worse about myself based on how many people “like” something I post on Facebook? Ridiculous, isn’t it! I don’t think there can be anything unhealthier for a recovering codependent.
One of my favorite quotes is “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” There have been multiple times in the past I have thought about giving up social media. I would love to be able to entirely close my Facebook account, but I am a member of a number of groups that I really do enjoy. So, I’m not going to lose my account, but I’ve made a conscious decision to not check my newsfeed.
For the first time in forever, this morning, when I got into the office, I didn’t get on Facebook or Instagram. I just started doing work right away. Not only was I more productive, but I can honestly say I feel less overwhelmed. When I’m sitting at a stoplight, I do not reach for my phone. When I was home with my kids tonight and they were eating dinner, I didn’t grab my phone. It’s only been one day, but I can already tell the difference in how I feel. I just need to avoid getting sucked in again!